Friday, November 7, 2014

Saying Yes

I haven't bothered to write on this blog for a few weeks due to the fact that I haven't really felt like broadcasting my appearance or my feelings to the whole world for a while. I've done a lot of lying face down in my bed philosophising about life whilst watching day time TV, I can't say that this has bought me any closer to finding out the meaning of life, but I am a lot closer to becoming a contestant in a reality TV show or just scrapping all my life plans and joining some kind of hippy commune. So, no the past few weeks haven't been the most productive of my life, I am finally starting to feel like my health might be improving (lets hope this post isn't foreshadowing another peak before a fall). I have managed to go out properly in Taunton (which is hardly exciting but it marks a change), drink a normal amount of alcohol and go for a day out on the train. These might seem like very dull ordinary things for most people but is the first sense of normality I have had in over six months. I am finally starting to feel like my attempts at getting back to how I used to be are less hopeless, I still get tired from doing normal everyday things but I can push through it, which isn't something I've previously been able to do. I'm not quite at the level I was this time last year, by which I mean I won't be getting up at 6am to workout before college, but I am now thinking about getting a job, something that seemed impossible even a month ago.
I have been off put from writing any posts on here because I haven't really felt like I have had anything to say, or at least I haven't been feeling like anyone would really want to read what I had to say. But, over the last few days a lot of people have told me they've been reading this documentation of my sad descent into an early middle age, so I have been persuaded to try and keep this up. I have been putting in a lot more effort to say yes to things I wouldn't have agreed to do before. It occurred to me that complaining about being lonely is something you shouldn't be doing if you keep refusing to see people. I have started to realise that nothing bad is going to happen to me if I do say yes to things, even if I feel awkward, or ill or I don't enjoy myself- it doesn't matter in the long run. If you don't say yes to things then you will never know if you might have enjoyed yourself, one night of feeling uncomfortable is a lot easier to deal with then a lifetime of feeling bored and lonely.
I didn't want this post to become a long list of reasons why I sometimes feel sad and want to starfish on my floor, but talking about fashion or beauty doesn't seem very genuine. I've been struggling with exactly what I really am interested in lately. I feel as though I have dedicated a lot of my time in the past to glossing over all my problems and convincing those around me that I am genuinely staying up into the early hours of the morning to read magazines, or listen to music just because I enjoy them. I used to distract others from what was obviously wrong with me by faking a strange sense of normality in every other aspect of my life. As if people wouldn't notice how awful I felt just because I was talking at five hundred miles per hour about fashion week. I don't normally talk about my eating, because I don't like to say I've had an eating disorder, partly because I have had next to no help from doctors but also because of the misconceptions that come along with it. But, since my eating disorder I feel as if I am not entirely sure on who I am anymore. Having that my disorder gave me something to focus on, I didn't have to deal with my problems because I was too busy remembering the calories in a packet of jelly. I became entirely consumed by my need to be "perfect" and "thin enough", my life was dedicated to trying to eat as little as humanly possible whilst also giving in essays that still got full marks and attending parties glossy eyed and completely glazed over. I am incredibly relieved that I am no longer spending every moment of my day working out how much I need to exercise, but I also feel like I have been left a little bit hollow from it all. My whole personality was my eating disorder, and now that has gone I am not entirely sure who I really am underneath it all. I don't have as much confidence in the me who has been left behind.
I am sure a lot of people struggle with "finding themselves" (yes I am physically heaving as I write that phrase), it can seem incredibly difficult to work out what you want from life once you're away from the school environment where your personality is decided for you. I don't by any means feel any more sorry for myself then I do for anyone else who is the same age as me and doesn't have a clue what they are doing with themselves. I do however think people should feel better about admitting their own flaws, I don't think it is realistic to be a perfectly formed human being by the time you are eighteen, we shouldn't expect from ourselves and we shouldn't expect it from others.

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