Monday, December 1, 2014

Having Confidence

Yet again it is a been a while since I've posted, partly because I have actually been attempting to say "yes" to things more, meaning any moment I'm not doing something I am asleep trying to recover from the experience. I've also had flu for what seems like months now (three weeks) and it isn't helping my chronic tiredness, coughing is exhausting me and I've begun to communicate only in loud sniffs to irritate strangers.
The other reason I haven't really posted much is because I've still being feeling fairly unconfident about my abilities to write anything remotely readable. I haven't been feeling confident about lot of things lately, whether it's purely aesthetic or more academic. Last year I applied for University with a week of being back at college, I wasn't stressed that I wouldn't get in, I knew I would cope in the interviews and I managed to get a place at every University I applied for without it causing me much stress, to be frank I didn't really care about it either way. This year I barely even feel confident in my ability to finish my UCAS application, despite already having done it once before, largely because I don't have a sure life plan, I don't even know if I should be going to university. Not only this but a lot has changed for me since last year, it's my third year of doing a levels, last summer I could hardly even sit up out of bed without being in pain, let alone sit through a two hour exam. I'm no longer a student at a good college and I can't work. All of this has left me unsure that I will be appealing to universities anymore, I no longer feel like there is certainty in anything in my life anymore. Sometimes I feel so unconfident with my own personality that I struggle to go into a shop and pay without wondering what the person who is working will think of me, that I might say the wrong thing, or make a fool of myself. I used to be someone who was very sure of myself, I didn't care what anyone thought of me, I was a little bit arrogant and was always sure I would be alright- that I was in the right. How can I expect a University to have faith in me when I have so little faith in myself?
This lack of confidence has only continued into my appearance (I know how typical teenage girl of me, I should probably start singing Meghan Trainor and wearing Joni jeans). In fact this general lack of confidence makes me not even want to post this blog post, but I suppose I feel a little bit helpful that someone else can at least empathise with my feelings on ineptitude. Obviously I've always felt unconfident about my weight, feeling bizarrely that I should be buying clothes that are three sizes to big for me, or assuming that I am the biggest one out of every friendship group, my family the human race in general. I never really worried about the rest of my appearance, strangely I just ignored it, I tied to avoid thinking about my face or hair that often, hoping instead that I somehow look completely different in real life to photographs or that beauty was the eye of the beholder. Now my lack of confidence has manifested itself to the point where I would be quite happy to wear a potato sack over my entire body in an attempt to hide myself from everyone else. Basically if I could I would probably quite happily walk around the town centre wrapped in a duvet if it meant I could avoid making eye contact with other humans.
So where do I go from here? I hope that it won't be downwards, I hope that I regain a sense of self, that I can become some kind of confident goddess and possibly turn into BeyoncĂ© (unlikely but it's good to have dreams). If you want to take anything from this post other than pity at my lack of ability to function, then I would urge you to be nice to people- compliment people, let them know what their good points are, because you never know how much it could help them.

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