Not All Those Who Wonder Are Lost

 

I am cringing a bit using a massively misquoted and over used line from Lord of the Rings as a title for my blog post. Especially as I don't even like Lord of the Rings that much, but sometimes there are feelings I have  that I know others have expressed much eloquently then I ever could. I am not entirely sure what this post is going to be about as such, because I don't think I've quite come to terms with my own inability to have a direction in life. In England at least we are pressured into choosing what our entire futures will look like at sixteen, although after the recent Gove education reforms this now looks more like fourteen. It is almost impossible at fourteen to know what kind of person you will be by the time you are an adult, you can't know what is going to happen in the world, what is going to happen to you, where you will be living or what opportunities will come your way. There is so much pressure to go to university or have a job as soon you leave school, you go from being babied and spoon fed to  having the world on your shoulders as soon as you get your GCSE results. £27, 000 is a lot of money to owe when you might not be sure that you even want to go to university at all. At my college we were made to feel like university is the only real option if you want to have a happy successful life, that Oxbridge is what everyone should want and that taking anymore than a year off between A levels and University is life ruining. I don't really want to document my feelings of disappointment towards my college and their actions on this blog, but I will say that they were incredibly unwilling to be flexible with me and my illnesses. I was made to feel that if I wasn't able to be a "normal" student then I might as well not bother with my exams at all, I might as well just give up completely.

 

Something which is rarely acknowledged is that often at some stage in your life things will fall apart, you will have to change the way you live, change your plans and you aspirations. I am often saying to my Mum how different I feel I am now to how I was last year, in a relatively short time I have gone from someone who was extremely argumentative and felt the need to get involved in every discussion to someone who glazes over and no longer cares. Of course these changes are due to unusual circumstances but I have been through so many stages in the last few years and at the time I was always convinced that I would stay that way forever. For years I thought I wanted to be an artist, I couldn't stand the idea of studying in a formal setting or wearing suits and being in an office, I then did a complete 360 and decided I wanted to be a lawyer and become some kind of leader of justice. My other great life plans have included being a writer, a teacher, a journalist and a politician. So what do I want to do now? The reality is I don't have any idea what I want to now and I don't think I need to, whilst seem people are sure of their future and do exactly what they planned a lot of people don't. Both of my parents took an untraditional route into education and did a lot of different jobs before and after, that doesn't make their achievements any less valid. My point is, you don't have to follow the status quo, you don't have to spend your life doing something you hate because it earns you money or looks impressive to other people. As dark as it sounds I have accepted that no one really knows what is going to happen in their life, just because those around you appear to have everything sorted out it doesn't mean they always will.

 

 

I seem to have written quite a lot without really saying much, there is so much to say about a topic like this but my brain is in medicated "brain fog" mode and I have begun to forget what my name is, let alone being capable enough to construct a readable sentence. I think there is a lot of media hype about my generation being lazy, I don't think we are lazier than those who came before us, we just are expected to set our sights on being an over educated professional, anything less makes you less of a member of society, whether you enjoy it or not (or so the Conservatives belief). It is alright to not know what you want to do with your life, not all those who wander are lost and not all that glitters is gold.

 

 

An Outfit Without a Smile

I wanted to post an outfit today, I had been planning it last night and was excited to get started as I felt confident with my appearance in my last outfit post. This is all started to go wrong this morning when I went to put on some Topshop shorts (very odd fitting- massive on the waist but tight on the bum) and was unhappy with my appearance in them, I felt like my legs were comically bulging out each side like a cartoon elephant in tight knickers. This is quite obviously not how I really looked but it put me in a bad mood from the word go. Still I persisted and changed later on, persuading my official photographer (my Mum) to take my photos in the garden for my blog. 

  

Needless to say I wasn't happy with any of the photos- I blamed my Mum not taking the photos quickly enough, my Mum being too short and making me look like a giant, I blamed myself for being too fat and too ugly. In fact these set of photos are no different from the other outfit photos I've posted, the only difference is how I felt when I was taking them. I felt like I looked awful so therefore I looked awful, the only real issue with how I look is that I look miserable. I was trying desperately to appear aloof, smiley and laid back and I couldn't look less like those things if I tried. I think I am not the most natural blogger really, yes I love fashion but I have always despised having my photo taken- pulling silly faces instead of trying to look nice so I wouldn't have to feel sad about my appearance was my go to tactic for most of my teenage years (and the next year or so till I'm 20 I suppose). Unfortunately this creates a vicious circle because if you feel angry and irritated with yourself the chances are you won't look your best. Sometimes I feel it is more important to put a blog post up or upload photos if you aren't confident because it shows that everyone has days (or years in my case) were they feel bad about how they look, however this doesn't actually mean anyone else would be able to tell. 

I wore this skirt all the time last year for college, the elasticated waist and midi length means that it is super flattering and comfortable even if you've demolished a monster sized meal. I do sometimes feel a bit nun like in midi skirts but I love the way they look on tall person, so being a tall person I hope it gives that elegant look I'm aspiring to have. I bought the jumper from Depop and have loved wearing it, much to the disgust of those around me who for some reason don't love the garish print. For me the print brings up visions of  80s Versace, for my sister I think it brings up a migraine and disgust in my taste. I have shoved my hair into a ponytail for this outfit because I am desperately trying to grow out my short pixie cut, unfortunately my natural hair is extremely coarse and kinky (not curly, not wavy, not straight) and I have to use heat on it when it is down- I've resorted to putting it up in any effort to keep it healthy but also slightly more bearable looking. Needless to say I will be beyond happy when my hair grows out of the awkward mullet stage and into an actual bob.  

 

*No Mothers were harmed in the making of this blog post 

Jumper- Topshop (bought on Depop)

Skirt- Primark 

How thin is "too thin"?

Apologies for my lack of recent posts, I've only had this blog for a month or so and am already neglecting it, however after going back to college I have been exhausted constantly and have been only able to tackle things that I can achieve lying down with my eyes shut!

Today I am going to be writing a bit of a different post, obviously a lot of this is my own opinions and I want to advise you not to read on if you are easily triggered by discussion of weight and eating. For the last two or three weeks I have wanted to post on this blog about what I bought in the sales, or my makeup favourites or even tutorial/cooking posts, but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't make myself pretend to be chirpy about fashion when in reality I have been too tired to focus on the things I normally enjoy. Therefore today I am going to be discussing exactly how thin, "too thin" is, I can really only scrape this topic in a blog post but I will give it a go.

Ever since I have been small I have associated being thin with being happy. It wasn't like I believed that if you were bigger, you weren't a good person, or you weren't capable of achieving important things. I just thought that somehow, if I was skinnier all the problems I had would be solved. That somehow it would make me happier, more popular or more likeable. It doesn't matter whether I am 90 lbs or 190lbs I will still be the same person, realistically, if someone likes you more because your thinner, then frankly they aren't a real friend.

I started off earlier this year wanting to shift a bit of weight, I was over 10 and a half stone and felt unhealthy, unfit and unattractive, I then reached my goal of 10 stone. But I couldn't stop there, I then wanted to be 9 stone 10lbs, then 9 stone 6lbs, until I found myself at 8 stone 10 lbs, still feeling if I could just loose a little bit more then I would be happier, feel stronger. I am over 5'8' so of course, I know deep down that being much lighter won't be healthy but it is addictive, and there is a small part of me that felt comfortable being in the danger zone. My sister suffered with an eating disorder so I was well aware of the destructiveness, but it didn't stop me from wanting to constantly "beat" those around me, as if being underweight would make me better.

This was me in June at just under 10 stone 7lbs, when I still had a healthy attitude to food.

I don't exactly believe that the media encourages women to be thinner, but I do think that a lot of the health trends that are boasted as being safe ways to loose weight are actually promoting an unhealthy attitude to food. That in fact a lot of social media that promotes itself as being a "fitness" source is in fact responsible for a lot of ugly habits.  One of the biggest trends is the "clean eating" seen plastered all over instagram, this in itself says to women that food that isn't fruit or vegetables is "dirty". That we should feel guilty for eating foods that have any fat in them, or aren't the bare minimum we need to fuel ourselves. The sad thing is that these posts are not even marketing themselves as "pro ana" (that is a whole other awful kettle of fish" but are instead claiming to have a healthy attitude to diet. Women should not be encouraging each other to feel guilty about eating. Obviously over indulgence is a bad thing, but the occasional slice of cake isn't going to make you fat, in fact the average person needs at least 25%- 35% of their diet to be made up of fat.

I personally don't read fashion magazines very often, finding them over priced and lacking in content, so I am not hugely influenced by them but I would say that tumblr, instagram and even twitter have played a large part in my obsession with being "thin". There is a general trend of glamorising eating disorders and being under weight as the "in" thing, obviously if you are naturally thin like Kate Moss etc. that is brilliant but I think there needs to be a bigger acceptance that not everybody can be tiny, you cannot change your genes, you cannot rip apart you skeleton and give yourself a wider thigh gap, longer legs or smaller shoulders. Women seem to love to make other women feel guilty about their eating habits, constantly searching for what is "normal", when really normal is a socially constructed idea, it doesn't exist beyond the walls of your own mind.

Rather then encouraging people to feel guilty about their eating, maybe we should celebrate the things they can achieve, humans are more than our weight and a life that revolves around calories and food is not a life being lived to the fullest. Instead of encouraging terms such as "clean eating" maybe we should encourage a healthy, balanced diet, Which yes will include cheese, milk and even chocolate if you want it to. Instead of encouraging everyone to aim to be someone else, we should encourage everyone, including ourselves to be happy with who we are, regardless of thighs, cheek bones, and ab definition.

So is there such thing as "too thin"? Of course there is, but health is more important then a number on the scales.