Go Your Own Way

I haven't done a huge amount of blog posting this week, for a couple of reasons. Firstly, my Nan came to visit from Saturday to Wednesday, I haven't spent a lot of time with her in the last ten years and I really wanted to get to know her better and not just sit on my computer, it is strange how you can connect with family so easily even if you hardly know them at all. This blog acts as somewhat of a distraction for the fact that I can't do much at the moment, but if by some miracle I suddenly have a new lease of life or develop a huge circle of friends I probably won't post as much. The second reason is that my head has been a big ball of stress over the last week, I have found out I need to pay £300 to take my A Levels next year despite sitting my exams at the same time, in the same place as every else at my old college. That combined with my general stress about applying for university, worrying about getting a job and sorting out my health has taken up most of my time and brain. 

It's not that I am ungrateful for all the things I do have like a family, somewhere safe to live and (some) money. It is just that there is enough pressure on young people as it is, without having to worry about how on earth I am going to be able to teach myself my A Levels this year, or how I can work when I still need to take two or three hour naps a day. It is very frustrating to have the motivation and ambition towards work, university and achieving something in life but physically being unable to do it. I spend a lot of my time worrying that other people think I am lazy for not having a job or that other people think I'm babied and spoilt by my parents, despite the fact that I know I am not lazy just ill and never receive any money from my parents other than my inheritance which I live off ( I don't think dead parents count). I suppose I should remember the saying "What Susie says of Sally, says more about Susie than it does of Sally", if anything this year has at least taught me to not assume that other people have it easy or make quick judgments about what other people do and just hope others do the same. One of the main reasons why I have taken blogging a bit slower recently is because I go at everything at hundred miles per hour and look at everything in life like it is a job. So, lazy? No. A bit full on and over enthusiastic? Always. 

Today is the first day where I have really noticed the growth in my hair, I can now tie it up in a bun with very minimal hair pins and look worryingly similar to old pictures of my Dad. I have been growing my hair out since February, mostly because my medical condition makes the thought of someone touching my head seem like a horrific punishment. But also because I have had a pixie cut since I was thirteen, I briefly grew it out before but now I feel like I need a change, something a little more feminine and softer. I am luckily that my hair grows incredibly quickly, my aim is to get it past my shoulders by this time next year which I will easily achieve. Although my hair grows fast I do have to look after it and use the right products otherwise it grows into a giant tangle that  looks like a strange wavy mullet- attractive I know. This outfit was chosen for another day of house work, dog walking and constant worrying. I am resisting the warm weather and am happily pretending it is freezing despite the factual difference, I want it to be Christmas- therefore I will dress like it is Christmas ( a logical theory). I like the trousers but I do always feel a little bit clown like in non tailored trousers, they are also a tiny bit big for me and seem to balloon a bit comically for my liking. I would definitely recommend Fashion Union for Primark priced pieces that are of reasonably high quality and follow the trends.

Coat- Asos 

Top- Primark 

Trousers- Fashion Union (at Asos)

Shoes- Dr Martens 

University Stress

Winter has finally arrived, or so the weather reports have been saying on and off for the last month- although I'm told that this time it definitely is staying cold. Winter brings along many possibilities that summer can never give, I can stay inside all day and avoid the world with a reasonable excuse, I can buy more coats than anyone would ever possibly need and I can get my hot water bottle out without being mocked by those who don't feel the cold as much as me (everyone). I have already previously written a blog post gushing over why I love Christmas and why, in turn I love winter so I won't blather on anymore about that topic. Yesterday was one of those brilliant winter days where the sun is shining and there isn't a drop of rain, or a gust of wind all day but it still cold enough to need to wrap up warm. My Mother and I took the opportunity to walk Rosie our new puppy for an hour on two, resulting in me falling face first down a grassy hill and the puppy being momentarily terrified of me and what I was doing. My Mum did manage to capture this moment on camera but I have decided to keep it to myself to protect any pride I have left.

Unfortunately the last few days have been the kind of days where I'm not really fit for anything, my health issues make it difficult for me to achieve anything and over the last few days I have spent a good majority of my time sleeping. I won't start a therapy session right here and now but I do feel unsettled by a lot of uncontrollable things in my life at the moment. Currently I am having to think about the reality of applying for university this year, it is tricky to strike the balance between being realistic about your abilities and remaining positive and upbeat. In typical "me" fashion I am throwing myself into every single possible task as a way of distracting myself from what has been a fairly shit time. It is strange to look back over the last year and think how many things have changed and how much I have changed as a person, there is a sense of inevitability in my situation but it doesn't really make it any easier to deal with. 

On to lighter subjects- yesterday I decided to dress practically for the warmth, opting for a more comfortable outfit. I have always despised the idea that dressing comfortably should take priority over looking good, I used to put myself through all kinds of minor discomfort to look good. However, since being ill I have despised wearing tight things as they tend to feel like little needles digging into my hip bones and body, something which isn't very desirable. I bought the joggers pictured as I thought they would be comfortable, warm and maybe fit into the sports luxe trend, I'm not really sold on them completely but they are fine for dog walking in Somerset. I am also wearing my extremely battered and destroyed converse, these really shouldn't be worn anymore as they have holes in them, are falling apart and are no longer even vaguely white in colour but I just feel like they go with everything and I have a strange attachment to them. I am also wearing my newly purchased MAC lipstick in Russian Red, I am still cringing over spending this much on lipstick but it so beautiful. I ate three meals, had a nap, drank and went out wearing one coat of the lipstick and it didn't budge at all. I have never really appreciated high ends products, believing you are paying for the brand name over the quality a lot of the time, but this is one expensive item I think is worth the money. 

As a last note I would like to apologise to anyone who is neurotic as me for all the pictures in this post being different sizes. My brain is completely stressed out and muddled today and I just couldn't make them look how I wanted them to look. I realise the majority of people won't notice this but it does set my perfectionist side on edge!

Coat- Asos 

Shirt- Topshop 

Top- Urban Outfitters (sparkle and fade)

Joggers- Topshop 

Converse 

Lipstick- MAC Russian Red 

Five Reasons Why I Love Christmas

This post may come as a slight surprise to anyone who has known me over the past few years because for a long time I was the Grinch of Christmas. I never particularly enjoyed Christmas because I was never religious and my Mum was quite anti Christmas for most of my childhood. It wasn't that I didn't get bought nice presents or that I had some scarring experience as a young child, I just never really saw what the fuss was about or why shops had to start playing Christmas songs in October. In the last few years I have made an effort to stop being so negative and try to enjoy what is meant to be the "most wonderful time of the year". I thought I would give a quick run down of why I suddenly after many years of ruining Christmas spirit I am now sickeningly enthusiastic about the whole thing. 

1. As cliche as it sounds I do actually enjoy giving presents, of course receiving them is nice but I really love being able to buy something I know someone will enjoy and putting effort into wrapping it nicely. I never really believed in Father Christmas as my delightful older sister told me he didn't exist when I was practically in nappies. Because of this I have always been acutely aware that all the gifts I receive have been bought by me from my parents or the rest of my family, I've known that my Mum often had to try and scrabble around for money to buy gifts she couldn't really afford. This is why now I am older I go ever so slightly over the top when it comes to buying gifts, I feel like now I am older I can finally give back something to those who sacrificed their own money to make me happy when I was younger. Receiving gifts is privilege a lot of people never have, so being able to enjoy giving presents is something that isn't possible for everyone in the world. My Mum still doesn't treat herself very often and Christmas is one of the only times of the year where I can spoil her and she cannot object or feel bad about it. ( I also have an addiction to wrapping paper, ribbons and gift bags but let's just pretend I am totally selfless for the time being).

2. Another reason I have suddenly developed into a bit of a Christmas fanatic is because I really enjoy getting to spend time with my family without anyone being stressed over their work or other problems in their lives. I won't launch into a sob story here but like most modern children my parents have been separated for as long as I can remember, my Dad died when I was eleven and I don't have very much contact with a lot of my family. This has made me really appreciate the family I do have, to this day I can't stand to properly fall out with anyone who is in my close family because there really are more important things to worry about then petty arguments. Christmas magnifies this for me because I can't help but feel pretty thankful for the family I do have, I might not have the biggest or the most straight forward family situation but they are a constant in my life that can be relied upon which is more then can be said for a lot of people. I love the feeling of togetherness that Christmas brings, I love the collective feeling of everyone being in good spirits, whether you are religious or not I hope that everyone celebrates having their family around more than just once a year.

3. Onto a shallow reason, but a reason I'm sure many of you can relate to, I absolutely love Christmas or even Winter in general because I finally have the excuse to say in the house and be warm and cosy whilst watching bad tv without worrying everyone will think I'm a social recluse. Christmas is by far the best time of the year for TV, whether you want a good miserable episode of Eastenders, a children's film or some Downton Abbey there is always something on which can entertain you. I love feeling able to relax and enjoy watching tv without something niggling away at me reminding me to revise or stop being lazy. Not to mention you get a perfect reason to stay in your ugliest PJs and sing along loudly to cheesy music whilst watching those around you drinking themselves into oblivion- sounds perfect to me. 

4. This is by far my favourite thing about Christmas, I wish I could say it was the enjoyment of donating all my gifts to orphaned children but lets be realistic it isn't. I can not get enough of gifts sets, I LOVE mini things, if something comes in miniature then I have to buy it, Christmas is the season for miniature gifts sets and it pleases me to no end. I once "stole" around fifteen pots of mini jam from a hotel in Amsterdam by shoving them into my jumper and I don't think I have ever been so proud. Now, of course not everything is miniature but Christmas also brings around the best smells and tastes of the whole year, I have a genuine candle addiction and my favourite smells are ginger, cinnamon, pine trees and cranberries- ALL of which Yankee candle make into a candle for Christmas time, it just can't be a coincidence. Of course Christmas also means I can bake freely and everyone will eat everything without thinking about their weight, I'm thinking of running a weekly festive baking recipe type thing on this blog because I cannot let my passion for silicone bake ware be untamed this year.

5. A lot of people complain that Christmas shopping from the 20th onward is hell on earth, which to some extent it definitely is- everyone has a cold, everyone is too cold outside/too hot inside and everyone is stressed because they've forgotten to buy Great Auntie something a gift. BUT I just love the last few days before Christmas when everyone is is a really positive and uplifting mood, I like how people stop to say Merry Christmas or say "Have a good Christmas" when you buy something from the shop they work in. In general I think if people kept up this cheery behavior all year around everyone might get on a bit better and stop trying to kill/fight each other. The fact that Christmas brings out the happier, kinder side in people is something which even the most Scrooge like people have to appreciate and enjoy even a little bit. 

So there we have it, those are some of the reasons why you will see me smugly humming along to Christmas songs in October this year and wearing novelty themed jumpers. Enjoying Christmas is all about keeping up a positive attitude and not letting the little things worry you. If you think this festive post is a bit early this year, then beware because I will undoubtedly

 be coming up with more festive posts as the days get chillier. 

An Outfit Without a Smile

I wanted to post an outfit today, I had been planning it last night and was excited to get started as I felt confident with my appearance in my last outfit post. This is all started to go wrong this morning when I went to put on some Topshop shorts (very odd fitting- massive on the waist but tight on the bum) and was unhappy with my appearance in them, I felt like my legs were comically bulging out each side like a cartoon elephant in tight knickers. This is quite obviously not how I really looked but it put me in a bad mood from the word go. Still I persisted and changed later on, persuading my official photographer (my Mum) to take my photos in the garden for my blog. 

  

Needless to say I wasn't happy with any of the photos- I blamed my Mum not taking the photos quickly enough, my Mum being too short and making me look like a giant, I blamed myself for being too fat and too ugly. In fact these set of photos are no different from the other outfit photos I've posted, the only difference is how I felt when I was taking them. I felt like I looked awful so therefore I looked awful, the only real issue with how I look is that I look miserable. I was trying desperately to appear aloof, smiley and laid back and I couldn't look less like those things if I tried. I think I am not the most natural blogger really, yes I love fashion but I have always despised having my photo taken- pulling silly faces instead of trying to look nice so I wouldn't have to feel sad about my appearance was my go to tactic for most of my teenage years (and the next year or so till I'm 20 I suppose). Unfortunately this creates a vicious circle because if you feel angry and irritated with yourself the chances are you won't look your best. Sometimes I feel it is more important to put a blog post up or upload photos if you aren't confident because it shows that everyone has days (or years in my case) were they feel bad about how they look, however this doesn't actually mean anyone else would be able to tell. 

I wore this skirt all the time last year for college, the elasticated waist and midi length means that it is super flattering and comfortable even if you've demolished a monster sized meal. I do sometimes feel a bit nun like in midi skirts but I love the way they look on tall person, so being a tall person I hope it gives that elegant look I'm aspiring to have. I bought the jumper from Depop and have loved wearing it, much to the disgust of those around me who for some reason don't love the garish print. For me the print brings up visions of  80s Versace, for my sister I think it brings up a migraine and disgust in my taste. I have shoved my hair into a ponytail for this outfit because I am desperately trying to grow out my short pixie cut, unfortunately my natural hair is extremely coarse and kinky (not curly, not wavy, not straight) and I have to use heat on it when it is down- I've resorted to putting it up in any effort to keep it healthy but also slightly more bearable looking. Needless to say I will be beyond happy when my hair grows out of the awkward mullet stage and into an actual bob.  

 

*No Mothers were harmed in the making of this blog post 

Jumper- Topshop (bought on Depop)

Skirt- Primark 

January Wishlist...

1. Instax Mini 8 Instant Camera Polaroid Type  2. Motel Spanddangle Shorts 3. Topshop Modern Tailoring Suit  4. Pandora Leather Bracelets 

I know, I know Christmas is only just over but as 2014 rolls around I find myself wanting a whole new bundle of things that I can't really afford. I am one of those people who is forever writing lists, I even write lists to remind me to write lists. This of course means I had written my Mum a Christmas list in mid November, something which I have done for the last couple of years and helps her figure out what to look for when she starts shopping, normally very last minute for my gifts. This is how I am going to justify already having a whole new list of "wants" before 2014 has even begun. Not a great excuse but I'm sticking to it.

1. Instax Mini 8 Instant Camera Polaroid Type 

I have been searching for a good Polaroid camera for years, nearly buying the gimmicky but very, very cute designs from Urban Outfitters but holding back at the last minute in fear that underneath all of the pastel they just aren't that great of a camera. But I have managed to find the God of all Polaroid cameras, not only does it actually produce Polaroids but it also comes in an array of pastel colours, if the film was a bit cheaper I would definitely snap this up in the blink of an eye! At the moment I only have my Nikon D300 and an old Canon film camera so I would really love to expand my camera collection with this little novelty.

2. Motel "Spangdangle" shorts 

There really is very few occasions in which I can really see myself being able to wear a tiny part of very sparkly hot pants, this however hasn't held me back from lusting over them for weeks and weeks. I know deep down that these would be the kind of item that I will buy, try on in my room, but back in the wardrobe and wear them about once a year. But this only makes me want them more, I love the grungy vibe these shorts give off and I can see them going perfectly with any leather jacket and Docs in the winter. 

3. Topshop Modern Tailoring Suit 

Oh Topshop. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. It all started a few weeks ago when I was watching Sunbeamsjess and saw she had purchased a few of the suits from Topshops new Modern Tailoring section. At first I shrugged the idea of buying a suit off, after all I live in Somerset, where jeans and a nice top are considered "dressy". But, these suits have been haunting me, slowly but surely I am coming up with more and more justifications for buying one, the fit of these is beautiful and it would probably only take 30 seconds to persuade me I definitely need one. The metallic finish of this particular suit is amazing, and I love how Topshop have actually put some thought into the fit of this suit, it is much less frumpy then most co-ordinates and I can see it being perfect for party occasions, instead of a girly dress.

4. Pandora Leather Bracelets  

I rarely bite the bullet and buy myself jewelry, I have literally hundreds of rings that I stack up together but hardly any bracelets. I am also very lazy with jewelry, I hardly ever bother taking it off when showering or sleeping meaning a silver or gold finish is really a must. However I absolutely love these leather bracelets from Pandora, I never really bought into the whole troll beads trend when I was around 14, so I have never looked properly at Pandora before. I love these bracelets, not only can they be worn in the shower but they are the perfect mix between dressy and casual and can be put with most outfits to add a tougher, more quirky vibe.