A Feminist in Makeup

This  blog post is going to be the first post in which I unleash the angry feminist who enjoys ripping males apart whilst they stammer over the sexist opinions, this post will undoubtedly be easy to disagree with and argumentative- you have been warned. Nothing riles me quite as much as the suggestion that a woman cannot be a "real" feminist if she chooses to invest in the makeup and fashion industry. It seems to be a common theme of the moment that the only women who have their opinions valued in society are those that appear to be "serious" women, men, or society in general seems keen to split women into two clear categories- 

• Women who wear makeup, enjoy fashion and are attractive but are brainless and incapable of holding a valid view 
• Women who are plain, unattractive and uninterested in fashion but have strong informed opinions on varying issues.

Whilst a man can easily be fashionable, attractive, intelligent and thoughtful all at the same time, women are too often made into one dimensional creatures that are expected to fit a a perfect mold of "pretty but dumb" or "clever but ugly". Too often I see girls being labelled  as "just a pretty face" without them ever even having a chance to voice their own thoughts and opinions. I don't mean to suggest that it is only men who are at fault for coming up with these ideas of women, I think often women themselves spend a lot of time trying to fit themselves into just one characteristic, often we choose to be "clever but ugly" because it is easier than having to prove ourselves otherwise. I clearly remember my Grand Mother suggesting that interviews were easier for pretty, well dressed females than those who were qualified and intelligent but didn't look right. I find it increasingly frustrating that girls are under pressure to appear attractive and polished but yet we aren't put under as much pressure to achieve academically, or to be confident in our own personalities. Going for an interview as a female is a lot more daunting because you know that your appearance does count, that no matter what your looks are what determines your value.

Another common theme I've noticed lately is the idea that if you buy makeup as a female, then you are supporting an industry that is sexist, and thus you can't be a feminist. Although the fashion and makeup industry has a lot to answer to in terms of making women feel inferior about themselves, makeup itself is not something that marginalizes women. I choose to wear makeup because I like it, I enjoy applying it, I enjoy being able to make myself look different and I enjoy aesthetically pleasing things. Just because I choose to wear makeup it doesn't mean I'm insecure, or that I think women are ugly without makeup on. I spend my money on lipsticks because I like the way they make me look, not for any other reason. Likewise, just because I enjoy buying things that are pretty colours and saying things like "I want more of a blue toned red", it doesn't mean that I have no other interests.

 Too often I think fashion and makeup are seen as these futile women's hobbies that only shallow people can enjoy, as if having a passion for lipstick is useless because it what is seen as a typical girl hobby. Not only does this not take into account the amount of men who are interested or work in the fashion and beauty industry, it also perpetuates the myth that makeup and fashion are only used to make people look pretty. Makeup and clothes can completely change the way you feel about yourself and others, they are much more powerful then they are given credit for because they can literally completely decide how you feel about someone. Why is it that we value hobbies such as reading more than fashion or makeup? I think mostly it is down to the idea that "girly" things are hardly ever serious. Women are expected to enjoy shopping or baking but we aren't expected to use these things to our advantage. Many top designers and chefs are men, somehow when a man likes a "girly" hobby they are taken as much more seriously, they are suddenly professional and important. When it comes down to it, a white silk shirt is still a white silk shirt, whether a man or a women is looking at it. Women are expected to enjoy their hobbies but not pursue them, we are not supposed to take ourselves seriously. 

I am going to stop here as I feel I have already gone off on a thousand different tangents. But on a closing note, I don't by any means think all women should wear makeup, or love fashion, I just feel that those of us that do shouldn't be dismissed as "silly little girls" who are shallow and appearance obsessed. Your appearance should only enhance your personality, you can own as many lipsticks as you want but you will only be truly happy when you accept who you are, not what people want you to be. 

Go Your Own Way

I haven't done a huge amount of blog posting this week, for a couple of reasons. Firstly, my Nan came to visit from Saturday to Wednesday, I haven't spent a lot of time with her in the last ten years and I really wanted to get to know her better and not just sit on my computer, it is strange how you can connect with family so easily even if you hardly know them at all. This blog acts as somewhat of a distraction for the fact that I can't do much at the moment, but if by some miracle I suddenly have a new lease of life or develop a huge circle of friends I probably won't post as much. The second reason is that my head has been a big ball of stress over the last week, I have found out I need to pay £300 to take my A Levels next year despite sitting my exams at the same time, in the same place as every else at my old college. That combined with my general stress about applying for university, worrying about getting a job and sorting out my health has taken up most of my time and brain. 

It's not that I am ungrateful for all the things I do have like a family, somewhere safe to live and (some) money. It is just that there is enough pressure on young people as it is, without having to worry about how on earth I am going to be able to teach myself my A Levels this year, or how I can work when I still need to take two or three hour naps a day. It is very frustrating to have the motivation and ambition towards work, university and achieving something in life but physically being unable to do it. I spend a lot of my time worrying that other people think I am lazy for not having a job or that other people think I'm babied and spoilt by my parents, despite the fact that I know I am not lazy just ill and never receive any money from my parents other than my inheritance which I live off ( I don't think dead parents count). I suppose I should remember the saying "What Susie says of Sally, says more about Susie than it does of Sally", if anything this year has at least taught me to not assume that other people have it easy or make quick judgments about what other people do and just hope others do the same. One of the main reasons why I have taken blogging a bit slower recently is because I go at everything at hundred miles per hour and look at everything in life like it is a job. So, lazy? No. A bit full on and over enthusiastic? Always. 

Today is the first day where I have really noticed the growth in my hair, I can now tie it up in a bun with very minimal hair pins and look worryingly similar to old pictures of my Dad. I have been growing my hair out since February, mostly because my medical condition makes the thought of someone touching my head seem like a horrific punishment. But also because I have had a pixie cut since I was thirteen, I briefly grew it out before but now I feel like I need a change, something a little more feminine and softer. I am luckily that my hair grows incredibly quickly, my aim is to get it past my shoulders by this time next year which I will easily achieve. Although my hair grows fast I do have to look after it and use the right products otherwise it grows into a giant tangle that  looks like a strange wavy mullet- attractive I know. This outfit was chosen for another day of house work, dog walking and constant worrying. I am resisting the warm weather and am happily pretending it is freezing despite the factual difference, I want it to be Christmas- therefore I will dress like it is Christmas ( a logical theory). I like the trousers but I do always feel a little bit clown like in non tailored trousers, they are also a tiny bit big for me and seem to balloon a bit comically for my liking. I would definitely recommend Fashion Union for Primark priced pieces that are of reasonably high quality and follow the trends.

Coat- Asos 

Top- Primark 

Trousers- Fashion Union (at Asos)

Shoes- Dr Martens 

World Mental Health Day

I have talked a bit about mental health issues previously on this blog with the intention that I probably wouldn't be saying much more about it, at least not the internet for everyone to see. But, I woke up this morning to see that it was World Mental Health Day and realised that by not talking about myself or mental illness again I would only be perpetuating the idea that there should be a stigma surrounding mental illness. Obviously this blog post won't be going into the juicy details of just how warped I probably am, but I can't really say everything I want to say without talking about my own issues. 

Too often with mental illnesses we are encouraged to sweep them under the carpet, we are the people that are discussed in quiet tones at family gatherings, nobody ever wanting to say the obvious or really acknowledge the problem. People believe that those with mental illnesses are exaggerating, are lazy or just need to simply get over their problems like everyone else does.   Throughout a lot of my schooling teachers were aware that my Dad had died when I was eleven years old, as such whenever I appeared to be openly upset I was allowed to "get on with it", often difficult conversations were avoided because it is easier to focus on the short term of feeling comfortable than worry about the long term effects of an un-helped mental illness. There seems to be a belief that mental illnesses can be resolved by simply deciding to think positively, that they aren't a real illness are something that  people put forward as an excuse for why they don't succeed or behave properly. In reality this is far from true, around 45% of people with an eating disorder go on to recover, that is a worse rate then cancer. Other mental illnesses can lead to suicide, self harm and destructive behaviors that are life changing and can have serious side effects for the rest of a sufferers life. A mental illness is not an imaginary illness, it is a real problem that can effect even those who seem perfectly "normal".

Too often I have been sat in college and heard people discussing those who are depressed or obviously suffering, with a complete misunderstanding of how serious it can be. I've comments such as "they are too thin now, why haven't their parents made them eat" directed at those who are too thin (regardless of whether they actually have an eating disorder). I've heard someone say that all MP's should be screened for mental illnesses so everyone in the government is sane- as if their is a black and white definition of what sanity is. I've heard people refer to people they've seen in town who are on drugs or homeless as "retards" or "crazy". So often it shocks me how little empathy is shown for the mentally ill, people are willing to raise money for cancer until the cows come home but they are not willing to open their minds to the idea that their preconceptions may not be right. I think too often people hold in their mind an idea that the mentally ill are going to be wildly bipolar, with unwashed hair and be completely incompetent and cannot see that those around them may have those very same issues. I spent the whole of last year getting up at 6am, doing vigorous exercise for two hours, then walking to and from college at a ridiculous speed to spend my lesson time obsessively working in an attempt to get the best grades. I often spent my breaks and lunchtimes revising and on returning home would exercise again for another hour or two before revising until I went to bed. I was fueled by those who were impressed with me, the people that praised me for my weight loss, teachers who told me I would walk my exams, my family who didn't understand how I could so much in a day. I wasn't the typical image of a mentally ill person with their hand down their pants in a pub, I was too successful, too perfect and too highly strung to be like those people, or at least I thought I was. 

Mental illness eat you up from the inside, they steal your health, your personality, your friends and family and everything else they can. In my strive to be successful I managed to strip myself of every talent I might have had. Yes, I may have appeared to be incredibly dedicated and successful for three months but now I am left with many physical illnesses, a poor memory and even worse concentration. Whilst you may be able to come to terms with cancer or heart disease limiting your day to day ability to cope, it is much harder to come to terms with the fact that you have destroyed your own ability to cope. A mental illness is inside you, but it isn't you, it doesn't have to destroy you or your life. Too often people avoid reaching out for help because they are worried they will be judged, once you do reach out you often have to wait months for a referral to your mental health service, more months until you get any actual treatment, often this can all come to late. It is right that mental health services should be most concerned at those who pose a threat to themselves or others, but often the long waiting times completely escalate how close a person is to snapping. I have often felt that my mental health services have driven me to do dangerous things just so I can be taken seriously. Nick Clegg has pledged that waiting times will be cut for mental health services, is this enough? It isn't enough, but it is a start and just maybe it will save peoples lives.

I am fairly fortunate in that I come from a family who are very open about mental health issues, my sister currently writes a blog documenting her journey to being a mental health nurse that you can read here. But I urge you all to try and reach out to someone who you know is struggling, it might be uncomfortable but it could be the help they need. I have left a few links that should be helpful to read or send to anyone who needs extra support and information. 

Useful Links: 

Mind- a charity which has loads of useful information and support 

Beat- A charity specifically set up to help those with eating disorders

Information on your rights and legal standing point for work etc.

Time to change- a website that provides lots of useful support links, numbers and opportunities to talk about mental health 

Sane- Another charity that has support, information and helplines 

Not All Those Who Wonder Are Lost

 

I am cringing a bit using a massively misquoted and over used line from Lord of the Rings as a title for my blog post. Especially as I don't even like Lord of the Rings that much, but sometimes there are feelings I have  that I know others have expressed much eloquently then I ever could. I am not entirely sure what this post is going to be about as such, because I don't think I've quite come to terms with my own inability to have a direction in life. In England at least we are pressured into choosing what our entire futures will look like at sixteen, although after the recent Gove education reforms this now looks more like fourteen. It is almost impossible at fourteen to know what kind of person you will be by the time you are an adult, you can't know what is going to happen in the world, what is going to happen to you, where you will be living or what opportunities will come your way. There is so much pressure to go to university or have a job as soon you leave school, you go from being babied and spoon fed to  having the world on your shoulders as soon as you get your GCSE results. £27, 000 is a lot of money to owe when you might not be sure that you even want to go to university at all. At my college we were made to feel like university is the only real option if you want to have a happy successful life, that Oxbridge is what everyone should want and that taking anymore than a year off between A levels and University is life ruining. I don't really want to document my feelings of disappointment towards my college and their actions on this blog, but I will say that they were incredibly unwilling to be flexible with me and my illnesses. I was made to feel that if I wasn't able to be a "normal" student then I might as well not bother with my exams at all, I might as well just give up completely.

 

Something which is rarely acknowledged is that often at some stage in your life things will fall apart, you will have to change the way you live, change your plans and you aspirations. I am often saying to my Mum how different I feel I am now to how I was last year, in a relatively short time I have gone from someone who was extremely argumentative and felt the need to get involved in every discussion to someone who glazes over and no longer cares. Of course these changes are due to unusual circumstances but I have been through so many stages in the last few years and at the time I was always convinced that I would stay that way forever. For years I thought I wanted to be an artist, I couldn't stand the idea of studying in a formal setting or wearing suits and being in an office, I then did a complete 360 and decided I wanted to be a lawyer and become some kind of leader of justice. My other great life plans have included being a writer, a teacher, a journalist and a politician. So what do I want to do now? The reality is I don't have any idea what I want to now and I don't think I need to, whilst seem people are sure of their future and do exactly what they planned a lot of people don't. Both of my parents took an untraditional route into education and did a lot of different jobs before and after, that doesn't make their achievements any less valid. My point is, you don't have to follow the status quo, you don't have to spend your life doing something you hate because it earns you money or looks impressive to other people. As dark as it sounds I have accepted that no one really knows what is going to happen in their life, just because those around you appear to have everything sorted out it doesn't mean they always will.

 

 

I seem to have written quite a lot without really saying much, there is so much to say about a topic like this but my brain is in medicated "brain fog" mode and I have begun to forget what my name is, let alone being capable enough to construct a readable sentence. I think there is a lot of media hype about my generation being lazy, I don't think we are lazier than those who came before us, we just are expected to set our sights on being an over educated professional, anything less makes you less of a member of society, whether you enjoy it or not (or so the Conservatives belief). It is alright to not know what you want to do with your life, not all those who wander are lost and not all that glitters is gold.

 

 

University Stress

Winter has finally arrived, or so the weather reports have been saying on and off for the last month- although I'm told that this time it definitely is staying cold. Winter brings along many possibilities that summer can never give, I can stay inside all day and avoid the world with a reasonable excuse, I can buy more coats than anyone would ever possibly need and I can get my hot water bottle out without being mocked by those who don't feel the cold as much as me (everyone). I have already previously written a blog post gushing over why I love Christmas and why, in turn I love winter so I won't blather on anymore about that topic. Yesterday was one of those brilliant winter days where the sun is shining and there isn't a drop of rain, or a gust of wind all day but it still cold enough to need to wrap up warm. My Mother and I took the opportunity to walk Rosie our new puppy for an hour on two, resulting in me falling face first down a grassy hill and the puppy being momentarily terrified of me and what I was doing. My Mum did manage to capture this moment on camera but I have decided to keep it to myself to protect any pride I have left.

Unfortunately the last few days have been the kind of days where I'm not really fit for anything, my health issues make it difficult for me to achieve anything and over the last few days I have spent a good majority of my time sleeping. I won't start a therapy session right here and now but I do feel unsettled by a lot of uncontrollable things in my life at the moment. Currently I am having to think about the reality of applying for university this year, it is tricky to strike the balance between being realistic about your abilities and remaining positive and upbeat. In typical "me" fashion I am throwing myself into every single possible task as a way of distracting myself from what has been a fairly shit time. It is strange to look back over the last year and think how many things have changed and how much I have changed as a person, there is a sense of inevitability in my situation but it doesn't really make it any easier to deal with. 

On to lighter subjects- yesterday I decided to dress practically for the warmth, opting for a more comfortable outfit. I have always despised the idea that dressing comfortably should take priority over looking good, I used to put myself through all kinds of minor discomfort to look good. However, since being ill I have despised wearing tight things as they tend to feel like little needles digging into my hip bones and body, something which isn't very desirable. I bought the joggers pictured as I thought they would be comfortable, warm and maybe fit into the sports luxe trend, I'm not really sold on them completely but they are fine for dog walking in Somerset. I am also wearing my extremely battered and destroyed converse, these really shouldn't be worn anymore as they have holes in them, are falling apart and are no longer even vaguely white in colour but I just feel like they go with everything and I have a strange attachment to them. I am also wearing my newly purchased MAC lipstick in Russian Red, I am still cringing over spending this much on lipstick but it so beautiful. I ate three meals, had a nap, drank and went out wearing one coat of the lipstick and it didn't budge at all. I have never really appreciated high ends products, believing you are paying for the brand name over the quality a lot of the time, but this is one expensive item I think is worth the money. 

As a last note I would like to apologise to anyone who is neurotic as me for all the pictures in this post being different sizes. My brain is completely stressed out and muddled today and I just couldn't make them look how I wanted them to look. I realise the majority of people won't notice this but it does set my perfectionist side on edge!

Coat- Asos 

Shirt- Topshop 

Top- Urban Outfitters (sparkle and fade)

Joggers- Topshop 

Converse 

Lipstick- MAC Russian Red 

Five Reasons Why I Love Christmas

This post may come as a slight surprise to anyone who has known me over the past few years because for a long time I was the Grinch of Christmas. I never particularly enjoyed Christmas because I was never religious and my Mum was quite anti Christmas for most of my childhood. It wasn't that I didn't get bought nice presents or that I had some scarring experience as a young child, I just never really saw what the fuss was about or why shops had to start playing Christmas songs in October. In the last few years I have made an effort to stop being so negative and try to enjoy what is meant to be the "most wonderful time of the year". I thought I would give a quick run down of why I suddenly after many years of ruining Christmas spirit I am now sickeningly enthusiastic about the whole thing. 

1. As cliche as it sounds I do actually enjoy giving presents, of course receiving them is nice but I really love being able to buy something I know someone will enjoy and putting effort into wrapping it nicely. I never really believed in Father Christmas as my delightful older sister told me he didn't exist when I was practically in nappies. Because of this I have always been acutely aware that all the gifts I receive have been bought by me from my parents or the rest of my family, I've known that my Mum often had to try and scrabble around for money to buy gifts she couldn't really afford. This is why now I am older I go ever so slightly over the top when it comes to buying gifts, I feel like now I am older I can finally give back something to those who sacrificed their own money to make me happy when I was younger. Receiving gifts is privilege a lot of people never have, so being able to enjoy giving presents is something that isn't possible for everyone in the world. My Mum still doesn't treat herself very often and Christmas is one of the only times of the year where I can spoil her and she cannot object or feel bad about it. ( I also have an addiction to wrapping paper, ribbons and gift bags but let's just pretend I am totally selfless for the time being).

2. Another reason I have suddenly developed into a bit of a Christmas fanatic is because I really enjoy getting to spend time with my family without anyone being stressed over their work or other problems in their lives. I won't launch into a sob story here but like most modern children my parents have been separated for as long as I can remember, my Dad died when I was eleven and I don't have very much contact with a lot of my family. This has made me really appreciate the family I do have, to this day I can't stand to properly fall out with anyone who is in my close family because there really are more important things to worry about then petty arguments. Christmas magnifies this for me because I can't help but feel pretty thankful for the family I do have, I might not have the biggest or the most straight forward family situation but they are a constant in my life that can be relied upon which is more then can be said for a lot of people. I love the feeling of togetherness that Christmas brings, I love the collective feeling of everyone being in good spirits, whether you are religious or not I hope that everyone celebrates having their family around more than just once a year.

3. Onto a shallow reason, but a reason I'm sure many of you can relate to, I absolutely love Christmas or even Winter in general because I finally have the excuse to say in the house and be warm and cosy whilst watching bad tv without worrying everyone will think I'm a social recluse. Christmas is by far the best time of the year for TV, whether you want a good miserable episode of Eastenders, a children's film or some Downton Abbey there is always something on which can entertain you. I love feeling able to relax and enjoy watching tv without something niggling away at me reminding me to revise or stop being lazy. Not to mention you get a perfect reason to stay in your ugliest PJs and sing along loudly to cheesy music whilst watching those around you drinking themselves into oblivion- sounds perfect to me. 

4. This is by far my favourite thing about Christmas, I wish I could say it was the enjoyment of donating all my gifts to orphaned children but lets be realistic it isn't. I can not get enough of gifts sets, I LOVE mini things, if something comes in miniature then I have to buy it, Christmas is the season for miniature gifts sets and it pleases me to no end. I once "stole" around fifteen pots of mini jam from a hotel in Amsterdam by shoving them into my jumper and I don't think I have ever been so proud. Now, of course not everything is miniature but Christmas also brings around the best smells and tastes of the whole year, I have a genuine candle addiction and my favourite smells are ginger, cinnamon, pine trees and cranberries- ALL of which Yankee candle make into a candle for Christmas time, it just can't be a coincidence. Of course Christmas also means I can bake freely and everyone will eat everything without thinking about their weight, I'm thinking of running a weekly festive baking recipe type thing on this blog because I cannot let my passion for silicone bake ware be untamed this year.

5. A lot of people complain that Christmas shopping from the 20th onward is hell on earth, which to some extent it definitely is- everyone has a cold, everyone is too cold outside/too hot inside and everyone is stressed because they've forgotten to buy Great Auntie something a gift. BUT I just love the last few days before Christmas when everyone is is a really positive and uplifting mood, I like how people stop to say Merry Christmas or say "Have a good Christmas" when you buy something from the shop they work in. In general I think if people kept up this cheery behavior all year around everyone might get on a bit better and stop trying to kill/fight each other. The fact that Christmas brings out the happier, kinder side in people is something which even the most Scrooge like people have to appreciate and enjoy even a little bit. 

So there we have it, those are some of the reasons why you will see me smugly humming along to Christmas songs in October this year and wearing novelty themed jumpers. Enjoying Christmas is all about keeping up a positive attitude and not letting the little things worry you. If you think this festive post is a bit early this year, then beware because I will undoubtedly

 be coming up with more festive posts as the days get chillier. 

Coping With Long Term Illness

I've been hesitant to write a proper post about coping with long term illness because I don't really know if I am coping with long term illness that well, nor do I feel like I am the best person to be handing out advice. I've already done a post on what is wrong with me so I won't be going into great details about the nitty gritty diagnosis details. I'm writing this so it can be some what cathartic and will hopefully be helpful for other people who are feeling alone with their illnesses. 

One of the hardest aspects of being ill long term is that you of course don't feel on deaths door every day of the year, otherwise you probably would be dead and not just chronically ill. Unfortunately these good days haven't always been pleasurable for me, it often leaves me with a strange feeling of guilt- guilt that I'm not really ill, guilt that I don't have a job or a purpose in life, guilt that I haven't managed to sit my exams yet. It is only when these good days are followed by bad days that I realise why I haven't achieved all of those things, I am just not consistently well enough to commit to a job, exams or even enjoying myself. This leaves me with the dilemma that I don't feel I can enjoy life when I feel well but I also obviously won't enjoy feeling bad either. I try to live life as it comes ( trying to avoid slipping the phrase YOLO in here) but that isn't always possible. I think the most important thing to remember if you have been ill for a long time is to look after yourself, try not to worry that other people think you are lazy or not that ill, only you and those closest to you will know how ill you really are, try to listen to the people who care about you and know you properly. Just because you are well enough to go to Tesco on your own one day doesn't mean you are suddenly well enough to handle a full time job, it is more complicated than that.

Guilt is also something that will inevitability be felt by those who are ill for a long time. No matter what your illness is, you will find yourself asking "could I have done something differently to make myself healthier?". Whatever the answer is it is a pointless question to ask, you cannot change what has gone before but you can try to change how you live from now on. I also find myself frequently feeling guilty for how my illness has affected those around me, I can't help but feel that my health is not only holding me back but it is also holding back those who have to care for me, like my Mum. For me this amplified by the fact my Step Father also has a long term health condition and needs more care than what is "normal". I hate to use the word "burden" because my family have tried their hardest not to make me feel like I am a burden, but sometimes when I just cannot do the simplest of tasks, or need lifts to doctors appointments at stupid times in the day I do feel like my family would probably have an easier time if I wasn't this way. The only advice I can offer to help with this guilt that sits and eats you up slowly over time, is to try and imagine how you would feel if you had to care for someone who is close to you. If you were looking after someone in your family you wouldn't feel remorseful or annoyed, you would likely want to help as much as you can, if you do love someone you want them to be happy and healthy even if it does impact on your own life. There will always be times when you feel that everything would be easier if you are not around but that completely overlooks the fact that you can positively impact those around you without being in full health. You can still offer advice, make jokes, have long conversations and be there for people if you're ill, those are the things people would miss if you weren't there, they wouldn't just be happy because they no longer have to give you the odd car lift somewhere. 

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I already feel like there is so much I need to say about this topic but I know not everyone will want to read reams and reams of rambling about illness so I will probably end up doing follow up posts from this when something important comes to me. One of the last few points I definitely want to mention is advice for those around chronically ill people. If you know someone who has been ill for a long time and has to give up their job etc. because of it then it is important to remember that this person will probably be "grieving" somewhat for what they have lost. I cannot express how frustrating it is to loose the ability to do the things you love. Before I got ill I always enjoyed being a homebody, I'm an introverted person and I didn't go out that much, but I did have the option to- I would quite often go out for peoples birthdays, or shopping in a nearby city. Now I cannot manage these things that I used to enjoy, a lot of people assume that those who don't work are spoilt or lazy, but not working isn't fun at all if you can't go out and enjoy yourself, I don't live off benefits or go out all day splashing my cash because I am not well enough do those things either. I find myself frustrated because I am unable to do the things that made me, me before, I cannot help to feel that I living a stagnant life achieving absolutely nothing but likewise not having the freedom to be destructive either. People who are chronically ill will get upset that they have lost the ability to live their lives the way they would like to. For instance I found myself in tears a few weeks ago listening to my sister talking about starting her course at university, I couldn't help but feel I should be the one starting a degree. I felt upset that I cannot manage to look after myself, I thought back to when i went to an open day at Queen Mary University in London- my Mother and I went up the night before, traveled across London and walked around shops for hours, as well as going around the University itself. It suddenly hit me that I couldn't do those things anymore, I wouldn't be able to cope with the train journey up to London let alone organising myself so I could get around an open day or a busy shopping center. I felt overwhelmed with the realisation that I am barely able to attend open days for university this year, let alone apply and start a degree in the near future. Those with long illnesses will be hit with grief because in a way you have lost a major part of yourself, in becoming ill you loose your old self and become someone completely different in order to cope with your new problems. Sometimes I feel as if I am a completely different person compared to the person I was six months ago, I feel as if I am somewhat of an empty shell or just a person who is  in pain and nothing else 

It occurred to me the other night that I have been feeling so stressed about being ill because I constantly feel that I am under pressure to suddenly get better, to be cured from everything and go back to how I used to be. As negative as it may sound  I have realised that I may never go back to "normal", that normal has changed to a totally different thing altogether. I may never be able to go up to London at 7am and walk around the busy streets until 8pm at night, even if I massively improve it will take a long, long time for me to have the stamina for that. I may completely recover but I feel fairly certain that if I do it will be a slow process, I won't suddenly wake up and be able to go on a long run. Once you let go of the idea that you will find a magic cure you begin to enjoy life a bit more again. You cannot live your life afraid of disappointing other people with your pain, you haven't asked to end up being ill and you cannot ask to get better in day. Although it may sound that I am being totally pessimistic, I really just being realistic, I now feel that it is more about if I get better not when I get better. This acceptance has made it easier for me cope and although it may not work for everyone I do think sooner or later with long term illness you will feel like this.

I hope this has shed some light onto how chronically ill people can feel if you yourself are having to care for someone at the moment- it can be difficult to know how to help someone, especially when the feelings around these issues can be incredibly complex. If you yourself are coping with long term illness then maybe this post has at least made you feel like you aren't as alone- it can feel like you are the wrong sized puzzle piece in your life but in reality you are just part of a different puzzle altogether.